No, I am not Great.

We are all broken in so many ways.  Today, I am going to overshare once more. Hopefully I can help clear up someone’s messed up view of mental illness.

Photo by christopher lemercier on Unsplash
Photo by christopher lemercier on Unsplash

I have a mental illness, this is a part of my story. I do not expect everyone to conform to the unrealistic expectations of the world that my particular illness reinforces. However, I also know it is not likely that I will ever be free of my condition, and I will not “behave” the way other people do. My illness is one that makes me susceptible to addictive behaviors. In my story this has included pornography, sex, gambling, food, drugs, anger and violence. Because of my condition I do not deal with change very well. Especially, when someone ELSE changes plans without notice. Even changing daily patterns agitates my symptoms and I become irritable quickly. This is a much larger problem within areas that I feel should be “safe spaces”. “Safe spaces” are places like my home or office, where I spend most of my time and have ingrained expectations of those environments. I expect the world to be difficult, but the “safe spaces” should give me sanctuary of differing types.

I am an adult living with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). It is a complex mental disorder characterized by a laundry list of symptoms.  You can read about it on the Google-webs or take a look at the National Institute of Mental Health link below.  My particular flavor, is accompanied by anxiety, oppositional authority disorder, a learning disability, bouts of anger and impulse control problems. Even better, it was not diagnosed officially until I was over 30. Like many other adults, this diagnosis allowed me to breath and re-evaluate my life and the choices I have made, through a lens of clarity I had not possessed before. The answers and new understanding provided a sense of relief as I began to learn about my self and my condition. Unfortunately, that relief only lasted for so long as symptoms continue to evolve over time.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/index.shtml

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

My brain has a very unusual way of processing information and linking or relating things. This unusual way of looking at things was once a gift. I was very useful to organizations because of how my brain perceived patterns in seemingly non-related things. However, because of what I call “loose association”, I am often hard to track in conversations because I naturally context swap without warning. Friends and others who are around me, eventually learn to follow or get me back on topic. Since this is not how other people tend to track their thoughts I have also learned to cope by explaining the way my brain ties things together. This different way of viewing things kept me employed and desired as an asset in my career. In fact I modeled my life around these gifts and shaped most of my career around them. Before I was diagnosed with ADHD, a medication used to treat migraines permanently changed the way I process information. This has had other side effects, that I have only started to understand. This includes our most recent discovery.

Within the last week, I have discovered I am suffering from clinical depression. It’s another gift of the wonderful chemical imbalance in my brain that made my ADHD possible.  It became apparent through a conversation I had with a friend (Phil). I shared with him that I was losing ground to my ADHD symptoms. My friend mentioned that he had observed patterns around when I was struggling. He suggested I might be suffering a form of depression brought on by the seasons (Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD). Some research suggests it is due to a change in full spectrum sunlight. More information can be found in the link below.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047

I  shared this concern with my new Psych and we have been following up and looking into my history. I’ve poured over medical history, and journal entries for the timing of events. The pattern shows that while some of the changes may have been exacerbated by seasons and holiday stress, I have basically been struggling with clinical depression for quite some time.

It’s not that there have not been many periods of true happiness, and it’s not that I don’t enjoy life. The problems arise when the moments that are not filled with strong stimuli and emotion are met with an overwhelming emptiness. Autobiographically speaking, I have defined patterns of behavior in my life. Patterns filled with over achieving, over working, and striving for worldly success. It is also a pattern of over indulgence on food, work, alcohol and many addictive behaviors; it’s all been just another “drug” used to placate the darkness that I have fled from.

https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003213.htm

So now with this new realization, we get to figure out how to deal with it all.

I have known for a while that there are things that help with my flavor of ADHD. I have included a link below for some strategies to help with common ADHD issues. Some of them also help with the depression. Establishing regular daily patterns like exercise, and regular social activities can all have a positive effect. Being around family and friends, serving others in ministry, and spending time with kids also help dramatically. When I am struggling, computer games become an obsession, but they also help me cope by providing a structured “world” in which I can escape. Somehow, writing is generally cathartic and so I keep journals, and this blog.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-self-help.htm

However, I also know, that when I am inside this darkness, I detach. Work, obligations, and family responsibilities aren’t particularly helpful. At best they are slight distractions, and at worse, they are activities that give my mind more time to focus on how many things I have manage to screw up. Add that self-deprecation to the inability to focus on any task for very long, and I end up feeling worse about life in general and fall into the “why do I bother” spiral of defeat. While I don’t think I would ever hurt myself, I do understand how people known for their humor and giving spirit, surprise their friends and even family when they fall apart or give in to their worse impulses to give up. My biggest fear is that I am labeled “crazy” because I have shared that my illness is mental. I fear that I will not be taken seriously or useful as a thinker, mentor, and teacher because of that label. As my Psych said to me during my last visit, the way I process information “is simply different, not wrong”. So I am choosing to talk about it, in the open, as an act of faith. I have faith in my God, my family, and you, my readers.

So why am I sharing any of this? Well for one, if I have disappeared from your life or otherwise disengaged, I want you to know why. It really is all about me. I am broken, and I find that in order to emotionally survive, I tend to withdraw, and disengage. This is my story in general and the things that have set my life in certain directions. It helps you understand me.

The second reason, is that this may also help you understand others. There are other people in this world who can’t or won’t talk about this part of their life. There are so many stories that need to be explored instead of criticized. For example, I struggled to understand why certain people in my life (like my mother) served others so tirelessly and paid so little attention to their own lives. Then I found peace while serving others in ministry. Not only was I nurturing someone else’s spirit, but it turns out that I am  an over-compensating introvert, who simply loves people and needs attention. God used that service to feed my soul and to give me clarity on people like my mother.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Another reason I share this, is because sometimes we all need reminders that God is alive and active in our lives. We are all broken people living in a broken world. We are all driven to think and sometimes do, sinful and terrible things. This is all a part of our fallen nature. I can honestly tell you that I am only still here, because Jesus sought after me in my darkest days and called me one of His own. Even though I’ve lived with this condition for over a decade, Jesus has shown me joy and peace that sustained me in darkness. He has given me a family that stands by me, even when I fall apart. God’s provision has given us a family in Christ that can walk with us during the difficult days, and I am so grateful for it.

Last, I share this all because life is not meant to be so difficult. We are not designed to do this all alone. We are built for community, and family. (Prov 27:17) In fact there are support groups, church groups, SCHOOL programs and so much more resources available to people with ADHD and other mental health issues, than there was even 12 years ago when I was initially diagnosed. So talk to someone, let them help you find support.

As for me, I give you permission to be an involved part of my life. You are not intruding, you are being a friend. We need to be able to talk about the things in life that people find difficult. I give you permission to ask questions because I know how hard it is to learn about or finally admit and accept that there might be something wrong.

Just know, that when you ask “How are you?” and I say “I am great.”  –  I am probably not great. I am struggling.

I am not lying. I am making a choice not to talk about it because I am struggling. It is difficult for a person who “needs” to be in control to learn that the most basic component of who I am, must be turned over to God’s provision for my life.  He has never failed me when I give him control, but yes, I am still struggling. In the end I know God is not done with me and Jesus is the greatness that sustains me.

So today, I choose to be great.

But I probably still need a hug.

__________________________________________________________________

I do not know who ELSE this was for today, but I know it has helped me deal with what I have been working through the last few months. I pray you read this in the Spirit in which it was written. Remember, “God is good, all the time.”

I am praying for you, and would love to hear from you if this has helped you. If you are learning to cope with ADHD or other mental illnesses, there is a wealth of information online from many resources. I have included those links again below for easy access.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

____________________________ helpful links ____________________________

May Jesus have His way with your day

  – Gary C –

Gary Cartagena is a dedicated husband and father.
He is Founder and consultant for Tek Management,
Founder of the Men’s Leadership site: CalebStrong.org,
Co-Founder of the online Bible study app: BibleCounts

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