Why who I am is not one event.

Proof As part of my application for the K-Love scholarship to Colorado Christian University, I have been asked to write about an event or experience in my life and how it would influence my academic work and goals. It is a pretty cool question but I have been having a problem with the concept of ONE event. So I drafted this below entry as my essay submission. Please give me feedback on both the content and the grammar.

—- Start Critique —- Last Edited 1/5/2015 – Submitted to CCU 1/5/2015

Who I am is not one event

When I started to write this essay I had  a problem with the distillation of who I am, as a student or person, through the filter of one event. I replayed my internal timeline looking for a sound-bite-friendly-moment that I could commit to a bit over 500 words. As I attempted to isolate that kind of life-changing occurrence I was drowned in a downpour of ghosts from my past.

I have memories of being a child in a destitute and broken family. A family that had been abandoned in a foreign country where my mother was without means to support my brother and me. I have other recollections of being abused, bullied, and assaulted, while still other visions of feeling invisible, inadequate and sometimes completely out of control. That was the collected reminiscences that I used to motivate myself. I had to prove that I was smarter and stronger than others. I had to prove that I could withstand anything the world could throw at me. Those memories also drove me to cut off emotional ties to my family and distance myself from friends. For the longest time that was how I fought for control of my life and searched for success.

I have other memories too, happier and sillier memories. Impressions of my third birthday with the aluminum foil crown on my head. I have visions of my mother always managing to put food on the table and a roof over our heads even in a foreign land. I play back the mental recordings of concerts given, plays performed, runways walked and awards won. I have flashes of family events with the man that chose to be my dad and who raised us as a family. I clearly recall the service where I fell in love with Jesus Christ and the intimate moments spent glorifying Him. I cherish memories of high school nicknames like “Preacher” and “Drum-Master”. I still give tribute to time spent with kids as a daycare provider, a preschool teacher and a special education assistant, all of which fill my heart. I still visualize the efforts of building my first company in the 90’s and achieving what I thought was success. I have memories of accomplishments at age 30, when I had successfully held titles with acronyms like C.E.O., C.T.O., and C.O.O. I remember being a businessman, an owner of multiple homes and vacation spots. I recall thinking I was set for the long-haul of early retirement.

However, as I traverse my mental hard drive to the endgame of those thoughts, I ultimately come to that one point where I had everything I thought I wanted and yet I realized that I had sold out my family and friends to get it. I recollect the point of clarity when I saw my own failure in the many roles I played: friend, husband, son, uncle, provider, mentor, teacher, and leader. I hated the man I was because I had lost myself in the trappings of success.

By the time my birthday had come around for the 32nd time, I had lost my hold on most of those landmark accomplishments. My companies had failed, my marriage gone and I was sleeping on couches or in my car because my home was no more. I remember even in the midst of all of the emotional and financial carnage, being convinced I could still fix it all. I truly believed if I was driven and focused enough I could convince one investor to give me another shot. My worldview had cajoled me into thinking if I just believed in myself more I could make back the millions I had lost, even while sleeping in my car.

Although these are the memories and emotions I remember and on which I continue to dwell, I don’t ponder them because they still motivate me. I don’t relive them to remind me that I am or can be great. I focus on all of this because it reminds me of one single afternoon in 2007. I recall that day because I finally stopped trying to control it all. On that day I fully and completely surrendered my life to Christ and accepted his rule. That memory reminds me that even today, at the age of 41, God is not done with me. Ever since that day I have tried to follow the role He wanted me to play all along. God has guided the rebuilding of my new life and I have found value and acceptance through His definitions of family, love and success. I recognize now that I was given the gifts of leadership, passion and creativity. Above that, I truly possess the desire to serve.

I believe that all these events have influenced my desire to pursue an education in Biblical Studies. Additionally, I am compelled to impart the values extracted from those events to others. I believe I can learn how to do that by studying Organizational Leadership. The passion I possess to serve has influenced my drive to pursue this academic endeavor.  I have a new job to do and this time I want to be prepared to do it well.

—– End Critique —

Thoughts?  Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate all of you, my friends and family, that have made this life possible.

God Bless and Happy New Year.

May Jesus have His way with your day

  – Gary C –

Gary Cartagena is a dedicated husband and father.
He is Founder and consultant for Tek Management,
Founder of the Men’s Leadership site: CalebStrong.org,
Co-Founder of the online Bible study app: BibleCounts

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