Life is about CHOICE – Part 2

I mentioned it at the end of the last blog entry.  The over-all Theme for has been CHOICE.

We are all gifted with the freedom to choose. God has given us free-will and it is exercised everyday when we choose to get up, choose our clothes to wear, and choose our breakfast cereal.

Let us take another step forward and figure out how this continues to apply to YOU right NOW.

Today we will focus on Our Relationships…

Partners (romantic business) is my focus today. I get the best reactions from people is when I talk about my romantic relationships.

Realizations:

• Embrace the past and LEARN from it…

I have an Ex-Wife whom I think the world of. Yes yes, it is true. I think my Ex is an amazing woman. We are great friends. It just so happened that we were not traveling the same path. We CHOSE to separate because it was healthier for each of us than the alternative. 

I can get into the reasons and psychology behind first marriages and why they don’t work. More specifically I could go into my own, but that would wash out the point of this article. Early in the relationship we recognized a large problem. We both came from broken homes. The traditional family not only did not exists in our mind’s eye but it was a badly tarnished concept. We went into the relationship knowing that we were damaged in some way and that we needed to be sure we could communicate with each other in a manner far unlike what our parental roles had displayed in our childhood. We made some really good choices though.

Acceptance: Here is the choice.
Early on in our relationship we recognized a few rather nasty patterns. We fought like our parents did. No holds barred verbal abuse was more like it. We made two choices based on this observation.

1) The first one was to pursue individual and couples counseling before we were married. I recommend this to everyone. I, personally, also pursued, some training in relationship, communications and life coaching.

I recommend marriage and/or couples counseling for anyone considering marriage. I also recommend this for couples who ARE married. Learn how to communicate with each other and appreciate each others talents/weaknesses. Additionally, you can learn what your roles in the relationship should be. What is the other persons expectations and so so much more…

As a self-employed individual I noticed a tendency to self sabotage and I needed to find the source of this behavior pattern. By pursuing the life coach angle I not only get to learn about myself but help others discover more of themselves.
Relationship counseling teaches many lessons but the most important one is how to communicate how YOU feel. Relationships are NOT ABOUT BLAME. Relationships are about sharing your life events and your excitement for life with others. Sometimes the events are tragic or sad and sometimes they are fantastical or funny. In all cases focus on how YOU feel and express that feeling. Try not to focus on the actions of others

2) Another choice we made together was not to have children. We both recognized that we were still growing and learning to be people. We hadn’t learned who WE were as people or as a couple yet. Bringing a child into a marriage is one of the most stressful things you can do, as is purchasing or selling a home. There are lots of stressful activities, but with children, there is whole other human being you need to consider in your actions. Take time to figure out WHO you are as a couple before you introduce a new life into the world. Make sure that child will have a loving stable home in which it can grow and learn. I do not argue that being a parent is the most rewarding, and selfless act a couple can perform. As long as it is done with love and in love I agree with that statement. But I also fully believe that every child deserves to live in a HAPPY home. This is not possible when parents are “at each other’s throats”.

3) In the end we made a really good choice: It was time to be apart.

At the end of every year we always had the conversation that started with: “Was it worth it? Did the good out weigh the bad?” It was hard for the last two years but in the last year that question was posed to me and I could not answer it. I knew the answer was going to be ‘NO’ and at that point I knew it really was over. We pursued couples therapy again to ensure we were communicating without blame but at the end of the day there was hurt , pain and condemnation. We spent more time punishing each other and were no longer making choices for the benefit or the relationship. We attended a couples workshop to help us reconnect and find that “In-love” experience again. What it helped us realize, is that we truly cared for one another but we were not meant to be together. The end was sad and painful but we parted as friends. Once the pain and hurt passed we started to rebuild the friendship we had before.

I have the utmost respect for her as a person. Now we talk more about work and about life than we did before. She is doing well in her career and I am so proud of her for what she has accomplished. In the end we are better as friends than we were together….

(Author’s note: I notice while reading this post years later, that I could not forgive and get past the “…hurt , pain and condemnation…”. I had no model for this is my childhood. My biological parents split because there was no forgiveness. Same with the Ex’s family. It was not until I was truly open to the Love of Christ that I was able to truly forgive. I forgave myself for failing as a husband and leader. I forgave others for the pain and condemnation I suffered. I was able to forgive because Jesus showed me how.)

Realizations:

• Focus on strengths not on flaws…

I now have a Girl-Friend whom I ADORE and I will marry ** ( I am sure ) some day soon. We have known each other for a while. We actually met for the first time when I was like… 17 or 18 in Church camp. She was a Freshman and I was a Senior in high school. We happened to date for a brief time and I, being the immature adolescent I was, managed to screw it up and we went our separate ways for a time…

We started talking last year some time and became fast friends again. After separation from my Ex-Wife, we started seeing each other on a personal level. It has been an amazing journey as we explore each others personality and strengths.
I have heard lots of comments from ” Don’t rush into anything” to “Are you sure this isn’t too soon?”.

I have lots of comments for those people but the most pertinent is: Have you ever spent five minutes with someone and just known you were meant to meet that person? Maybe they have insight you always needed, or maybe they just stimulate your imagination.  If not then you will never understand, even on the minutest level, what I mean. However, If so you have an ‘IDEA’ of what I feel. I KNOW I was not only meant to meet her but I was meant to spend my life with her. We have always had perfect chemistry. We operate on the same level in almost every way. We share goals, ideals, philosophy on life and children, interests in art, music, literature. I would go on but the point is this: I have found my match, my equal, my One. **

Acceptance: Here is the choice.
I have CHOSEN to open my heart and mind to the possibility that I am an attractive caring human being that deserves his perfect partner and I am willing to accept that she is my own. Nothing in the past can change that we are fantastic together.
Many people go into new relationships with baggage in tow. I know I even have a little baggage but I am not holding onto it. It just pops up, we talk about it and I choose to let it go. The key for us is that we have chosen to focus on each other’s strengths. I will say this one more time because it is VERY important. We have chosen to focus on each other’s strengths. Yes, there are flaws and problems and we discuss issues when they arise. But at the beginning of each day I recognize one MAJOR thing. I am so happy and grateful that I have found my perfect partner that provides me with the Love, Faith, Companionship, and Trust I need in order for me to feel Loved and Appreciated. She talks to me as an equal. She pays attention to me when we are together. She expresses her love through words of appreciation and quality time. I can be myself around her, I love the person that she is and she enjoys being with me. Everything else is just a detail that we happily define and create together.

In a world where over 50% of marriages fail and over 75% of second marriages fail, my observation is that as social creatures our social needs are not met by our partner.
It is my opinion that instead of choosing to focus on flaws, if we chose to praise each others strengths and work from that point, we would manage to create stronger bonds rather than weaken them.

Life is, after all, what we make it…

I was going to go into the topic of children and parents. I have been a off again on again parent for a while now: I am an experienced child care provider and I am currently helping to raise my nephew while my brother is in Iraq. However, while I have opinions and observations I am not too sure they would be taken seriously.

I will just say the following:

• – Children are thinking, feeling, caring individuals.

• – To hear respectful and intelligent responses from them talk to them with respect and intelligence.

• – Your child will always strive to meet the goals and expectations you place for them. They may fall short but praise and recognized their effort and achievements.

Once again it is time for me to go. I welcome comments, arguments and anecdotes so write me. 😉
I will find something else to rant about next time…

So until then…

** BTW: Not only was I sure of her when I wrote this, but I have since proposed and married the woman who is my equal. We have an amazing son and I am blessed and proud to be a husband and father.

Thank you for reading and for comments…
– Be Yourself, Be Well, and Be Loved,

Gary Cartagena is a dedicated husband and father.
He is Founder and consultant for Tek Management,
Founder of the Men’s Leadership site: CalebStrong.org,
Co-Founder of the online Bible study app: BibleCounts

View Gary Cartagena’s profile

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